When We Are Not Oaky
Well, it has definitely been a while since I have had a chance to write. It seems 2018 ended for me just as I spent many of the days, keeping my head above water. And while 2019 has been fun, let's be real it has been a whirlwind so far. So, I am excited to finally be back!
Usually, every year, I enjoy sitting down at the first of the year to review how my previous year went, what my accomplishments were, what my struggles were. A few days past New Year's I realized that I was actively avoiding this. Any free time was spent elsewhere. When I stopped to check in with myself on this, I became deeply aware that I did not want to review the last year. The idea of reading through my journals, gratitude list, or even planner felt overwhelmingly painful. Last year was beautiful and painful. No, I did not have any major losses, no one died; I still have a job and my health, but it was painful. Since this realization, I have spent my time trying to convince myself that, yes, my year was painful, but others had it worse. Others suffered more. What a trick of the enemy. I don't know about you but oftentimes when something painful has happened, I believe the lie that others have it worse, therefore I do not get to grieve or be hurt. I deny myself the space to not be ok, and instead turn to being busy and all of the other unhealthy ways I try to medicate my broken heart. Heartbreak is heartbreak no matter what the cause.
We are in March now, and I did sit down a few weeks ago to review my year. It turns out I needed to do a lot of forgiving God and myself before I could go through everything. Yes, I was really mad at God for the ways I perceived He had failed me, but I was more mad at myself. I was refusing to forgive myself because I believed that I could not "blame" God, which left me as the only other option. I'm learning that sometimes things just do not go as we believe they should or thought they would, and there really isn't anyone to blame, even yourself.
What I did find when I went through everything was, yes, the painful moments, but I found far more of God's grace, mercy, love, and kindness. When I went back and looked at the picture as I whole, I realized that He had shown up time and time again in my moments of pain and anger to keep my heart alive, to give me what I needed to keep fighting. Even when my anger was directed at Him, He still fought for me and showed up for me. Sometimes He showed up in a song on the radio, another time in the most magnificent rainbow. He showed up. His love was and is faithful.
The truth is it has taken me about 6 weeks to finish this post, and it's funny how much has changed from when I started writing this one to now. When I started, I was still very much hurting and trying to figure out what to do with all the broken pieces. Now, I have invited the Lord in to bring healing to the broken and hurting places, and He has. That does not mean that the He has waved a magic wand and everything is all better, but He has brought peace and hope and joy. He has shown up in some truly incredible ways over the last few weeks, all the while reminding me that He always finishes the stories He starts.
Friends, I don't know what you have been through in your life, the past year, or the past week, but I want to remind you that it is ok to not be ok. Just because your pain is "smaller" than someone else's does not mean that you cannot still grieve. Pain is pain. Let yourself hurt, but don't stay there forever. Ask the Lord to come in and start healing. Ask Him to give you a fresh perspective on a recent pain or hardship. Ask Him to show you how He will turn this for good. Ask Him to show you where in your pain and suffering He gave you more of Himself. I have faith that He will. I have faith that He has already shown up for you, and He will again.
Lord, give us the eyes to see you and come heal our broken places.
