Seasons

The season is finally changing here in Nashville. It is finally starting to feel like Fall. While I enjoy Summer, there has always been something special to me about moving into Fall. I'm not really sure what it is, but my heart always breathes a sigh of relief when I feel that first touch of Fall. To be honest, I felt it about a month ago when I was walking my dog. The breeze had just the slightest touch of crispness to it, and my heart breathed, "a new season is coming."

I'm ready for a new season in my life too. I feel like I have been living in this one for well over a year. It hasn't been a bad season, in fact it has brought much joy, closer friendships, a healthier view of myself, and more importantly a closeness in my walk with God that I did not ever know was possible. I have always believed in Jesus and that He loves me, but I think that for most of my life I have also believed the lies that He loves me because He has to and that I am just another one of His followers that He sorta keeps an eye on, but certainly not a favorite. This last season, He has been so loving to break me of those lies, to show up in big ways for me, to remind me that He doesn't just keep an eye on me, but He actively wants to do life with me, to show me that I am Always Chosen. This past season shifted my view of God and who He is to me, it is truly hard to put into words, and the effect that this shift has had on my heart and life is even harder. The best way to sum it up is to say that for the first time in my life, I am finally starting to see myself as He sees me. With that said, this season has also been one of the hardest of my life. You see, a year and 3 months ago, God gave me a promise, a promise that spoke to my deepest desires, a promise that pushed me far outside of my comfort zone and challenged me to have unwavering faith. So, I took God up on the promise, believing that if I did my part, He would do His. But, nothing happened. Instead of celebrating the ways I believed God would come through for me, I had to grieve what I had hoped for, what I had planned for. And, let's be real, I was angry. I was so mad at God because all the signs pointed to "He failed me," but I was also super conflicted because I did not want to be mad at God. Being mad at Him did not feel very safe.
Last weekend, I went to the Captivating retreat in Colorado. I've been twice before, and each time has changed my life and filled my soul. I knew I needed to be there, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to be there with God, who I was trying not to be mad at. All I wanted was to feel like I could breathe again, to feel like the pain and hurt were not crushing me. Part of the retreat is to spend time with God, asking Him where you need healing and then leaning into that. When I did ask, His response was gentle and kind. He told me that I needed to hurt, needed to be angry with Him, and when I had done that, needed to decide if I wanted to trust Him again. He told me to take all of the time that I needed to decide what I wanted to do. He also said, "Let me remind you that I am good and for you." So, I let myself be mad. I let myself be hurt. I also cynically waited to see if He really would show up for me. Thing is, He did show up. Not in a grand here I am Jesus kind of way, but in ways that spoke to my heart, things in nature, conversations with people, songs, and hope. He did not share with me why this promise did not go the way I thought it would, but gave me the sense that my timing on the promise was wrong, and that He is not done yet.

Last weekend was also my changing of the season. I had sensed it going into the retreat. I had been sensing that the season of my life was about to change, and while gone, He affirmed this feeling. I don't know what this new season holds, and much like real seasons, the start of this one kind of looks like the end of the last. There have not been any real shifts yet, but I sense they are coming. This may or may not be the season that God fulfills this promise to me, but I do believe this new season will bring change in some form or fashion. All new seasons do that, don't they? For now, my heart is breathing a sigh of relief - this new season is here.