Beloved

So, I had to get a new car a few weeks ago. Let’s be real, while I knew I would need to do that this year, I had not planned on so soon. I have been trying for several months to do the things that one who wants to purchase a new car would do, researching, saving, planning. So, when the mechanic said to me, “Don’t waste your money on fixing your car,” I was sort of prepared, but not how I wanted to be. We all do that, don’t we? We plan, prepare, and pray, but it doesn’t seem to be enough or not as much as we would like. I have lived most of my life in this mindset, the mindset that says, “if you do the right things, check the right boxes, follow the right plan, then it will all work out.” Yet, somehow, things never seem to go “according to plan,” like my car trying to die in rush hour traffic, on Friday, on the interstate.

When I was trying to get home that fateful Friday, I was praying, mostly that I wouldn’t die, but also about not being ready. I kept telling God that I needed my car to make it four more months so that I could be in a better financial position to buy one that I could drive for another 11 years. What I heard was a little whisper saying, “the time has come.” And, my response… “But, Lord, you know this isn’t a good time. We haven’t checked all of the boxes off.” And, again, “the time has come.” Needless to say, while I hoped that my car would be a simple fix (I was just kidding myself at that point. Any car that jerks when you accelerate is not in good shape.), I began to prepare for the fact that I might be buying a new one. I spent the weekend looking for every Mazda CX-5 that I could find in my general area, so that if my car was going to be too much to fix, I was ready. When I hung up with my mechanic, I was pretty much in panic mode. I didn’t feel ready to try and go to a car dealership, haggle a price, and attempt to walk away victorious, so I did what I do best, worry and play out about 5,000 different scenarios in my head of how it could go. Again, God kindly interrupted me saying, “Be who you are. You do not have to bring anything to the table, but you will walk away with the treasures of Egypt.” This is one of those times that I knew this was not my own imagination because I typically don’t think about “the treasures of Egypt.”

I would like to say that God’s reassurance of His presence and provision calmed me, but you can ask my brother about how much of an anxious mess I was on the way to the dealership. I had planned on looking at three cars there. Two were the same just different colors and different prices. On the way, I prayed. I prayed that God would close the doors that I did not need to walk through, that He would help me to make a wise choice, and that He would help me to not make a choice that would haunt me for years to come. The first one that we looked at was, in truth, my dream car. For the last year, I have specifically been wanting a white or blue CX-5 with beige interior and a sunroof. This first car literally checked every box of what I wanted, but it felt too extravagant. So, I looked at the Toyota, which was not the right fit for me, and then in my heart I decided I would just get the cheaper CX-5, even though it was not exactly what I wanted, but it would save me money. When I asked to look at the cheaper one, our sales person went to get it, but came back empty handed because it was on an extended test drive so someone could take it to their mechanic. Maybe this was a sales tactic, but the sales person did not know that the first was my dream car, and regardless, for me, God closed the door.

As I moved forward with purchasing the car that felt too extravagant, things kept lining up. For instance, the car is still under warranty, the dealership was able to work with my bank, that day, and when they checked my credit, it came back 50 points higher than what I had seen when I checked that morning. (We all know credit scores don’t jump like that. Only God.) They also could not find the paperwork from their inspection, so I brought it back the next day for them to do that, and they replaced all of the tires for free. It all felt like too much. Then on top of that, people kept telling me I deserved this nice, extravagant car, and in all honesty, I did not feel that way. Do not misunderstand me, I fully believe I am worthy and deserving, but I kept thinking about what those people did not know that I did. This dream car was a gift of grace. God straight up handed me the car I had been hoping for, but I knew that the work I had put in was not enough to get. You know, back to that whole mindset I talked about earlier. I didn’t do the work, so I didn’t feel worthy of the outcome. When I brought this to God, He ever so kindly showed me where my heart was caught.

Many of the religious institutions that I have been a part of model this same mindset of, “you have to work to earn what you get (God’s love, forgiveness, grace).” When, in reality, Christianity and being a follower of Jesus means that I am already, always living in a space of love, grace, forgiveness, and freedom that I could never do anything to earn, and He only offers more the further you follow Him. From the outset, God is saying, “I have sacrificed for you in ways you can never repay, and all I want is you, all of you.” It is that space of choosing to be God’s beloved (resting in His love and who He says you are) or being a servant (choosing to try to earn your place). I know that the distinctions between the two are far more nuanced than I have space for here, and there are the questions that some many be asking, like I chose to be beloved and my world fell apart, why? I get it. I have been there too. I realized that while God has fiercely been pursuing my heart, I have still lived with a servant mentality. “Hopefully, God will still like me if I …”. You can fill in the blank. Really what God has been inviting me, all of us, to is the space of resting in my already bestowed, never earned position of beloved, a place of being delighted in by the King of the universe. I absolutely think that we should serve and love on others, but won’t that look so different to a hungry world when it comes from the security that my position in God’s kingdom and heart is unshakable and what I offer is out of deep love and gratitude for my King. So, I am trying to live as a beloved, knowing that my place and God’s love is unshakable. Who knew that it would take buying a car to get there, only God.